Pastor's Puns and Humorist Things to Lighten Your Day
- Learn to laugh a little today, it is good medicine for your soul
Proverbs 17:22
A joyful heart is good medicine,
But a broken spirit dries up the bones. NAS
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ONE LINE SAYINGS
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AMERICANS ARE A RELIGIOUS PEOPLE. YOU CAN TELL THEY TRUST IN GOD BY THE WAY THEY DRIVE.
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A RELIGIOUS FAMILY HAS BEEN DESCRIBED AS ONE WHERE THE FATHER SAYS GRACE BEFORE EVERY MEAL, AND THE MOTHER SAYS “AMEN” WHEN THE FOOTBALL GAME IS OVER.
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TOO MANY FOLKS USE THEIR RELIGION AS THEY DO A BUS--- THEY RIDE IT ONLY WHEN IT’S GOING THEIR WAY.
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GOD GAVE WOMEN A SENSE OF HUMOR---- SO THEY COULD UNDERSTAND THE JOKES THEY MARRIED.
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WHEN A WOMAN PREACHES A SERMON TO HER HUSBAND, SHE USUALLY ENDS IT BY TAKING UP A COLLECTION
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WHEN PEOPLE GO TO SLEEP IN CHURCH, SOMEBODY SHOULD WAKE UP THE PREACHER.
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SERMONS AND BISCUITS ARE IMPROVED BY SHORTENING!
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THE HALF BAKED SERMON CAUSES SPIRITUAL INDIGESTION.
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GENERALLY, WOMEN DON’T LIKE THE DICTIONARY, BECAUSE IT HAS THE FIRST AND THE LAST WORD.
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THE ETERNAL GOSPEL DOES NOT REQUIRE AN EVERLASTING SERMON.
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IN PREACHING A FUNERAL SERMON, A PREACHER MADE THE FOLLOWING REMARKS, “WE HAVE HERE BEFORE US ONLY THE SHELL -- THE NUT IS GONE.”
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THERE’S A PREACHER IN TEXAS SO RELIGIOUS HE HAS STAINED GLASS WINDOWS IN HIS CAR.
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PARTING WORDS OF A LOUISIANA PREACHER TO A DEPARTING FRIEND AT THE AIRPORT: “MAY GOD AND YOUR LUGGAGE GO WITH YOU.”
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A PREACHER IN ALABAMA WAS RECENTLY FIRED FOR TWO REASONS. FIRST, HE HAD A POOR DELIVERY. SECOND, HE NEVER HAD MUCH TO DELIVER.
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IN TIMES OF PROSPERITY MEN ASK TOO LITTLE OF GOD. IN TIMES OF ADVERSITY, THEY ASK TO MUCH.
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“KNEEOLOGY” WILL DO MORE FOR THE WORLD THAN THEOLOGY.
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THE ATHEIST CAN’T FIND GOD FOR THE SAME REASON THAT A THIEF CAN’T FIND A POLICEMAN
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THE TROUBLE WITH BEING AN ATHEIST IS YOU HAVE NOBODY TO TALK TO WHEN YOU’RE ALONE.
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PLEASE DON’T PRAY FOR RAIN IF YOU’RE GOING TO COMPLAIN ABOUT THE MUD.
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GOD HONORS NO DRAFTS----- WHERE THERE ARE NO DEPOSITS.
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THE BIBLE IS NOT ONLY THE WORLD’S BEST SELLER, IT IS MAN’S BEST PURCHASE.
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A BIBLE THAT’S FALLING APART OFTEN BELONGS TO ONE WHO ISN’T.
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THE PENALTY FOR BIGAMY IS TWO MOTHERS-IN-LAWS
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TO THE AVERAGE HUSBAND, THE “BLESSED EVENT” IS WHEN HIS MOTHER-IN-LAW GOES HOME.
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DEPRESSIONS, FUNERALS, WEDDINGS, AND COVERED-DISH SUPPERS KEEP MOST PEOPLE ATTENDING CHURCH REGULARLY.
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LIFE INSURANCE IS LIKE A FOOTBALL GAME -- OUR RELATIVES SIT AROUND AND WAIT FOR US TO “KICK OFF.”
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THE GIDEONS SHOULD SEND A BIBLE TO THOSE HOTEL AUTHORITIES WHO DETERMINE THE ROOM RATES.
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THE LORD PREPARES A TABLE FOR HIS CHILDREN, BUT TOO MANY OF THEM ARE ON A DIET.
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BUMPER STICKER ON A CAR IN TYLER, TEXAS: “READ THE BIBLE -- IT’LL SCARE HELL OUT OF YOU.”
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GOD CREATED THE WORLD IN SIX DAYS -- WHICH PROBABLY NEVER COULD HAVE HAPPENED IF THERE HAD BEEN LABOR UNIONS.
JOKES
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HALLELUJAH AND AMEN JOKE
A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way, (being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the donkey go, is to say,
"Hallelujah!"
The only way to make the donkey stop, is to say, "Amen!"
The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher's instructions.
"Hallelujah!" shouted the man. The donkey began to trot. "Amen!" shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately.
"This is great!" said the man. With a "Hallelujah", he rode off very proud of his new purchase.
The man traveled for a long time through some mountains. Soon he was heading towards a cliff. He could not remember the word to make the donkey stop.
"Stop," said the man. "Halt!" he cried. The donkey just kept going.
"Oh, no...
'Bible...Church!...Please Stop!!," shouted the man. The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the cliff edge.
Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer..."Please, dear Lord.
Please make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this mountain, In Jesus name, AMEN."
The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff.
"HALLELUJAH!", shouted the man.
Three Rednecks just died,
and arrive at the Pearly Gates of Heaven.
St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates
if they can answer one simple question.
St Peter asks the first Redneck,
"WHAT IS EASTER?"
The Redneck replies, "Oh, that's
easy,
it's
the holiday in November when
everybody gets together,
eats turkey, and is thankful..."
"WRONG," replies St. Peter,
and proceeds to ask the second Redneck
the same question,
"WHAT IS EASTER?
The second Redneck replies,
"No, Easter is the holiday in December
when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents,
and celebrate the birth of Jesus."
St. Peter looks at the second Redneck,
shakes his head in disgust,
looks at the third Redneck and asks,
"WHAT IS EASTER?"
The third Redneck smiles and looks St.
Peter in the eye.
"I know what Easter is.
Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with
the Jewish celebration of Passover.
Jesus
and his disciples were eating
at the last supper
and Jesus was later deceived
and turned over to the Romans
by one of his disciples.
The Romans took him
to be crucified and he was
stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns,
and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands.
He was buried in a nearby cave
which was sealed off by a large boulder."
St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.
The third Redneck continues,
"Every year the boulder is moved aside
so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow,
there will be six more weeks of winter."
A
minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.
Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a
loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses the man wearing somewhat sloppy
clothes, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to
the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Jack Thomas Jr.,
taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to
the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the
Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and
staff. Then it's the minister's turn. He stands up tall and booms out, "I
am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's Church, for the last forty-three
years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister,
"Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of
Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister.
"That man before me was a taxi-driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden
staff.
Why, How can this be?"
Saint Peter, looks to the preacher and says,
"Up here, we work by results,"
"While you preached, people slept. While Jack drove, people prayed."
The day
finally arrived: Forest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself.
The gates are closed, however, and Forest approaches the gatekeeper.
Saint
Peter says, "Well, Forest, it's certainly good to see you.
We have heard a lot about you.
I must inform you that the place is filling up fast,
and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone.
The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into
Heaven."
Forest
responds, "It shore is good to be here Saint Peter.
I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams.
Shore hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."
Saint
Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forest.
But, the test I have for you is only three questions.
Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?
Second, how many seconds are there in a year?
Third, what is God's name?"
Forest
goes away to think the questions over.
He returns the next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer the exam
questions.
Saint Peter waves him up and asks,
"Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your
answers."
Forest
says, "Well, the first one, how many days of the week begin with the letter
'T'?
Shucks, that one's easy; that'd be Today and Tomorrow!"
The
saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims,
"Forest! That's not what I was thinking, but... you do have a point
though,
and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer."
"How
about the next one" says Saint Peter, "how many seconds in a
year?"
"Now
that one's harder," says Forest.
"But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be
twelve."
Astounded, Saint Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve!
Forest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a
year?"
Forest
says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve:
January second, February second, March second... "
"Hold it," interrupts Saint Peter. "I see where you're going with
it.
And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind.
I'll give you credit for that one too."
"Let's
go on with the next and final question," says Saint Peter,
"Can you tell me God's name?"
Forest
says, "Well shore, I know God's name.
Everbody probly know it. It's Andy Howard."
"Andy
Howard?" asks Saint Peter.
"What makes you think it's 'Andy Howard'?"
Forest
answers, "It's in the song and the prayer."
"The song and the prayer?" asks Saint Peter,
"Which song and prayer?"
"Andy's
song", responds Forest,
"Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me... ",
and The Lord's Prayer," responds Forest:
"Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name..."
Church
Bulletin Bloopers
Thank God for church ladies with
typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were
announced in church services:
1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at
Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING
Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer Conference
includes meals.
3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight:
"Searching for Jesus."
4. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the
recreation hall - Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
5. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a
conflict.
7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone
who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about
you.
8. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
9. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.
10. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.
11. Next Thursday there will be try outs for the choir. They need all the help
they can get.
12. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor
Jack's sermons.
13. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing:
" Break Forth Into Joy."
14. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So
ends a friendship that began in their school days.
15. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will
follow.
16. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
17. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several
new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
18. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
19. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person
you want remembered.
20. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
21. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and
gracious hostility.
22. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to
follow.
23. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
24. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the
Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
25. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are
invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
26. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend
him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
27. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the
back door.
28. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
29. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please
use large double door at the side entrance.
30. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan
last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge ! - Up Yours!"
Old School Church Announcements - 1
These are
your church announcements for the Rising Star Pentecostal Baptist Apostolic
Catholic Lutheran Methodist Episcopal Seven Day Adventist Church Of God In
Christ Non-Denominational Church. Please govern yourself accordingly:
1. there
will be a bake sale after the morning worship please see
Sis. Lula Mae Odell & Dea. Willie George Thornton
2.
the church will be giving out ex-lax and castro oil, for all the
members who's bowels is locked up from eating that
government cheese
3.
we will be appointing security officers, because a lot of members
money is being stole out of their purses during alter
prayer
4.
funeral services for Sis. Annie Lee Cooks are pending, as we know
she was every bit of 850 pounds. The family is still
searching for a casket
5.
also let us not forget to take care of our personal hygiene,
pastor said lift your hands and worship, and one sister was musty as a billy goat. The brother that was sitting next to her passed out because of her must, and everybody thought he was slain in the spirit.
Old School Church Announcements - 2
These are your church announcements for the Rising Star Pentecostal Baptist Apostolic Catholic Lutheran Methodist Episcopal Seven Day Adventist Church Of God In Christ Non-Denominational Church. Please govern yourself accordingly:
1. the weaved hair ministry will host a
convention at the Chinese store the guest speaker will be the Rev. Chang
Lin Lee
2.
funeral services for Sis. Annie Lee Cooks will be at Houston Memorial Gardens,
due to her being 850 pounds she couldn't fit inside of a hearse so she will be
escorted to graveside on the back of a dump truck
3.
Bro. Freddie Wayne Jenkins is asking all deacons that sit on the front row, not
to forget to goggle w/ Listerine before services the cigarette smoke has a very
bad smell
4.
the motherboard will be passing out pampers, for everyone that ate some dressing
and cannot make it to the restroom
Please
Govern Yourselves Accordingly
Old
School Church Announcements - 3
These are your
church announcements for the Rising Star Pentecostal Baptist Apostolic Catholic
Lutheran Methodist Episcopal Seven Day Adventist Church Of God In Christ
Non-Denominational Church. Please govern yourself accordingly:
Church
Announcements
1.
The Pastor would like to thank all of you who paid your tithes last week. With
the high price of gas - every little bit helps. And, he wanted us To mention
that if you write a check, please make sure that it does not bounce. He said
that you are still encouraged to pay your tithes, and God only wants 10%, but if
your check bounces we gone take 25%.
2.
From the health ministry!
The
usher board has asked those frequent shouters who routinely pass out on the
altar to please wear clean underwear. Let your praise be holy, not your draws.
Amen. The deacon board has brought this to our attention.
Also, if you are one of the people tapped on your shoulder Sunday morning, make sure you pick up your Altoids at the hospitality desk before entering the sanctuary. Saints, lets not let our breath hinder our neighbor's praise.
3.
Special Note:
We
would like to apologize for those who came out to the Youth Explosion conference
last night. The youth choir's remix of Shake that Laffy Taffy was totally
unexpected. The youth director has been reprimanded and will issue a formal
apology Sunday morning. Also, for those who witnessed Mother Green getting up
and doing the Laffy Taffy dance, and are concerned, she is doing fine. She is in
Methodist North recovering well.
4.
Saints, don't forget about the Chitlin dinner this evening. If you haven't
already placed your order, call the church office. And for those who are a
little skeptical after the last Chitlin dinner, please feel at ease knowing that
Pastor Happy has prayed over the Chitlins and no one from the Drug Rehab
Ministry was involved in the preparation this time.
4.
Pastor has requested that all "dark-skinneded" members sit in the
light during night service. Last Wednesday he heard voices in the dark and
thought they were demons.
Please
Govern Yourselves Accordingly
